The Sarge Diary's
by Dark Blood Lust
Summary: Dear Diary. Despite diaries being a dirty hippy habit of pathetic sob sacks like Donut and Griff, Doc tells me they are an excellent way to order one's thoughts and make strategic battle plans. Personally I think he is a LYING DIRTBAG, and I will later give my opinion to him in the form of my shotgun to his face.
1. Day 1

_Dear Diary._

_Despite diaries being a dirty hippy habit of pathetic sob sacks like Donut and Griff, Doc tells me they are an excellent way to order one's thoughts and make strategic battle plans._

_Personally I think he is a LYING DIRTBAG, and I will later give my opinion to him in the form of my shotgun to his face._

_In the meantime, I will make a Logbook of the Glorious Red Army's Victory over the Goddamn Blues, or GRAV book. Not a diary._

**Day 1 **

_Dear Diary_

_To day was a glorious day to be Red… Just not a good day to be in the Red Army._

_I never thought it would be possible to gain a Victory and then surrender that Victory by retreating… _

_Damn those dirty scheming, conniving Blues for coming up with such a fool proof plan of attack… Anyone would run away- I mean strategically retreat if the had Cabooses help offered to them._

_On the Other Hand, Griff was shot in the legs repeatedly due to this manoeuvre. Further evidence that there is no such thing as a perfect plan. Little could those Blue Bastards predict that by having caboose shoot one of our team members, they are actually furthering our personal agenda to cause severe pain to Griff! After Caboose had incapacitated Griff, Simmons's and my own firearms MYSTERIOUSLY went off in the direction of his legs as well. A good day for Red._

_Then of course that moron Caboose tried to help US as well, and we had to flee the battle before we could finish that yellow moron off._


	2. Day 2

**Day Two**

_Dear Diary_

_The warthog is broken again, Griff's screams of pain are giving me a headache, and Simmons is too busy being chased by our "prisoner" Caboose to make my pina coladas!_

_At first, Griff's agony was a blessing from god. but this prolonged wailing is somehow going from pleasurable evening music to UNpleasant opera! As for the warthog, griff broke it while trying to not get run over by me and simmons. _

_Ungrateful son of a bitch jumped into a ditch onto his bullet ridden legs rather than recieve our sweet mercy. Caboose then managed to catch up with us while the transportation was crashed into the ditch. We decided the warthog was a casualty of war and hightailed it out of there!_

* * *

_**Entry By 'Evil Overlord Para' **_


	3. Day 3

**Day 3 **

_Dear Diary _

_The Warthog ran over my legs today, Griff say's it was an Accident and he was just to lazy to steer out of the way of running into me, Strangely enough I believe him._

_The Dirtbag is just too lazy to plot proper revenge or murder! Despite all the times we've tried to teach him… by demonstration… _

_On another note, Caboose if finally gone! Simmons showed a presents of mind that is quite un-common for him, and shouted something about Church being in trouble._

_… Well if he isn't now he will be when Caboose get's there… To help him. Hah Stupid Blue! _

_Well I'm off to watch from the cliff, I'm sure watching Church die will surly make me feel better about my legs being broken._


	4. Day 4

**Day 4**

_Dear Diary_

_Simmons Always said Griff would die from Diabetes, I on the other had firmly believe he will Die from Cancer! _

_Cancer being the name of the pet Lion I have requisitioned from command._

* * *

**Entry by Evil Overlord Para**


	5. Day 5

_Dear Diary_

_Today the red base was suddenly and maliciously attacked by flying marauders of doom and destruction. Obviously they were sent by blue command to balance out the Red army's clear military superiority! An underhanded and dishonourable action the blues are well known for._

_After landing on our base and declaring themselves to be "UNSC military police" (a lie I saw through immediately with my usual brilliant and decisive intellect) I, Simmons and Lopez made a strategic retreat. Still, being enemies is no reason to be impolite, so in that spirit of politeness, I informed them (shouting from a safe distance) that sub-private Griff was still in the base, sleeping like a angel. A fat, lazy tub of angel LARD, that is. They, being stupid enough to be in the employ of the inferior Blues, were too stupid to believe me. They had the audacity to correct me, saying "There's no way any soldier would sleep through a military attack!"_  
_I then told them "No really! You could likely just walk up and shoot him in his unsoldierly sleep! You've got to believe me!"_

_And then they started shooting at us. So, with no other alternatives available, especially not any given by Simmons or Lopez, we proceeded to the blue base to accept their previous surrender._

_The blues, being morons, gave us a long and confusing argument about the surrender being "No longer valid" and "Those Unsc guys aren't our either you gloriously intelligent and attractive reds" (Completely unedited quote. Honestly.)_

_In the end, we managed to convince them to lend us Caboose for 5 minutes, as long as we promised to try and not bring him back. True to our promise, we armed the musclebound moron with a pretty flower and told him to go and be friendly to the UNSC guys. We all hoped that this would somehow lead to the total destruction of both Caboose and Griff, still inside and undiscovered by the UNSC. And possibly also the UNSC themselves._

_We waited outside the base, listening to the screams of torture that resonated from it. Sweet sweet music of murder. I find murder very arousing, but normally only when I'm the one doing it. I can only assume my direct responsibility was the reason. Soon after the screams stopped, and to our surprise, Caboose walks back out, still hold ing the flower!_

_When asked how he managed to eviscerate an entire heavily armed unit of soldiers using only a flower, Caboose told us that they had all decided to take a nap, and that nobody thought he was to blame for the all the blood on the carpets. Because it wasn't his fault. And there isn't any carpets._

_He then wandered off back to blue base. We decided to allow this._

_We reclaimed our base, and I woke Griff up with a gentle blow to the face with the butt of my shotgun. I ordered him to clean up all the blood, and then ordered Simmons to clean up all the blood when Griff somehow manages to avoid doing it._

* * *

**Entry by Evil Overlord Para**


End file.
